Christ, it’s early. My sleep cycle is all jacked up because I haven’t been sleeping very well lately so I’m exhausted by about 6 in the evening and awake by 3 or 4. And it begins again. This happens to me only when I have a lot on my mind that, at least to me, feels unresolved. But there are exciting potentials on the horizon, particularly in the professional realm. I’ll let you know how all that shakes out but suffice to say this may be the first time I’m facing potentially having a choice between two possible directions. Too early to declare that officially but it’s looking interesting. And both paths are pretty attractive. Not a terrible problem to have. So, that’s sitting in there somewhere, keeping me from relaxing enough to drift off to sleep until I’m just overcome with exhaustion.
And then there’s the other thing, best summed up this way: at risk of offending, I really miss having friends. I have a bunch of acquaintances but only a few people that I trust to watch my back, and that’s only supposition because I’m still getting to really know them. There are some amazing potentials there, too. But the flip side of that, the wolves masquerading as sheep, is just bringing me down lately, man. It occurs to me that part of the problem is one of common values. I think there is nothing more destructive than spending time with people who have a different value system than the one you have. There’s a certain moral flexibility around more often than is comfortable that makes me feel very, very dark inside. And I don’t mean as regards a person’s physical desires. While I think that should be held in check lest you cheapen the act, I know many fine people — very good people, in fact — who are pretty liberal about their sex lives. Not really my speed, but no one’s getting hurt so I’m not judging. No, the moral flexibility I mean has to do with manipulation and half-truths and operating behind the scenes. All the things that — I guess — help you get what you want. But that are so ugly everyone immediately recognizes them as destructive, even if they cheer for the tactic because they’re into that kind of thing. And I get that weird panic button thing where I recognize that I’ve been exposed to and damaged by that kind of thing before and it’s critical to never allow it to happen again. I mean I’ve spent literally years negotiating behavior like that, believing it an anomaly instead of what it actually was: a pronounced, and rather sad, character flaw. There was the best friend and roommate in college who was sleeping with the boy I loved for a year, all the time telling me — when my suspicions were aroused — what a terrible person I was for thinking she could EVER do something like to me, HER BEST FRIEND. There was the job where the underling smiled and cajoled his way into my good graces, all the while hatching plans and searching for information he could use to advance by getting rid of me. And I’m not even being paranoid — these things happened. And others. And I look back and get a good chuckle now and recognize them as the learning experiences they were, and am in many ways grateful for them. But when the behavior presents itself again, I admit, it makes me nervous because while it’s all funny now, it’s hell going through those things while they’re happening. We all have these stories, don’t we?
So, I think, in the interest of finally learning a lesson, I’m not putting up with even a glimmer of that kind of thing when I see it pop up again (as it has recently). It has to be eliminated. Sometimes logistics makes that difficult, but that’s a challenge easily met, if not immediately met. But I will say this: if, in the pursuit of what you want, you try to embarrass me, or inappropriately insert yourself into things that have nothing to do with you (and never will), or put me down in front of others, or just in general act like a bullying, spoiled, petulant, sneaky little brat, you’re out. No negotiations. And that’s really too bad for you, because I’m a great friend.