Hey there. Recently, a friend of mine told me I think too much. With no disrespect intended to my friend who is a nice man and who meant well and has shown me great loyalty in the past when a mean girl (more on that below) was attempting to do some real damage and probably was thwarted a bit thanks to aforementioned loyalty and I love him for it, I have to make a case for why this may actually be a good thing. What’s hilarious about this is 1. he said it as if I haven’t heard this same thing 800,000 times since grade school and 2. as if it’s not something I constantly struggle with because I, too, long for those days years ago when I thought less and acted more quickly and made horrible, glorious, life-altering mistakes that were dangerous and sexy and funny and wretched and soul-wrenching and amazing.
Let me start by saying that I’ve always been “paid” to think too much. Once I was identified at a very young age a thinker, people expected it of me. And currently, it drives what I do for a living so I am, quite literally, paid to think too much. There was a short time relatively speaking from the age of 17 to about 25 or 26 when I went to college and was involved with my first serious long-term, live-in boyfriend and I just freaked out and renounced my religion and my principles and became sexually active and didn’t care if the guy I was seeing was a nice man or a real user. I got a lot meaner then, and wanted what I was ENTITLED to have. And I was horrible to other women and I treated men like dirt and I basically lied about who I was and what I wanted in the pursuit of the win and ALL THE FUN!
Damn I was a mess.
And so now, yes, I carefully consider my decisions and what I want out of life. And yes, it stops me in my tracks sometimes from just rushing headlong into situations that aren’t…um…fully mature. And yes, it makes me sad that I can’t just consider wisdom overrated and let myself be used because sexual conquest is erroneously considered some kind of trophy. But only sometimes. Because now…well, I want something more. I want something finer. I don’t want to be yelled at or manipulated by someone who understands my insecurities well enough to exploit them to control me. I want someone who will protect me from people who try to do that. And in order to have that, I’m pretty sure you have to be smart and careful in your decisions. And not spend a lot of time wasted on those who can’t provide that. Also, pretty sure sexiness starts in the mind so, I love you my friend, but I’m going to keep thinking until I find someone worth being a little stupid over.
As for mean girls, it came on this weekend (signs!) and there was one part that resonated with me again: she has to “suck the poison out of her life” at the end. By apologizing to Regina, hanging with the mathletes instead of going to the dance (no problem there. I hang out with them every day. The wonder kids.), making amends to the people she’s hurt. I’m pretty sure I need to do that, too. But I don’t know where to start…
Anyway, I’m going to embrace this a little more in the future. Fair warning.
This song is some joy on a rainy day.