Something occurred to me this weekend as I was lying in bed Sunday trying to remain completely still and Jedi mind trick some cereal into a bowl, will some milk into it, and then float that bad boy down the hall — without spilling anything — into my waiting hands bathed in early morning sunlight and the glow of The Family Channel. Softball practice reminded me that there are a lot of muscles I don’t use regularly. Anyway, getting into the Jedi Mind Zone gives you some epiphany time while you harness the force and something hit me like a ton of bricks: I do not have to be happy for douchy people who have good fortune. My whole life I’ve been told to be the bigger person, try to be happy for people when good things happen to them even if maybe you’re going through a rough patch. Mostly, I agree with that. I think that’s wise advice to avoid becoming bitter or Gollum-like in general. My precious.
Buuuuuttttt…that is only necessary when you’re dealing with GOOD people. Letting yourself be envious of the awesomeness in a good person’s life is lame. But jerkwads who spend their days being jerky and waddy all simultaneously and stuff, who feel it necessary to smugly gloat about their good fortune (exacerbated by this weird effort to appear as if they really could care less. Yuck.), who brag out of one side of their mouth while talking in bullshit, socially conscious tones (“I care about the little people who will never, never have the opportunity to do the things I do. But I care that they won’t.” Or something.) from the other…yeah, bump them. I do not celebrate your good fortune. Because actually, through your eyes, anything good becomes shite. Because you’ll never actually really appreciate it, not in any meaningful way anyway, because it’s all about showing off what you do, not really being in the moment and thanking God for how lucky you are. At least that’s my suspicion. I’ve been known to be wrong. But I don’t think I am here. I have complete faith I am not. Funny — I wasn’t expecting to have faith about that, but there it is.
So, great family who tried to teach me to be a good and kind person, I thank you. I think maybe I’m fair but that’s the best I can do. But I feel no happiness for the asshats of the world. I should clarify: I feel no rage or envy or enmity either. Just a vague amusement. That shouldn’t make me sad, should it?
Anyway, Miss McClain gave me the freedom yesterday at dinner to feel this way. She thinks her family is possibly comprised of kinder people than she in the same way I do. So it was nice to have someone forgive me that weakness. I needed it. Also, she proposed a trip to London and Paris toward the end of the year. And, well, I think I want to go. I told her I’m not the world’s best flyer but generally do okay with a few drinks and some sleep. When I went to Europe last time I was with a cool friend named Susan who just walked me through what to expect. She was funny and I had this weird moment where I realized if we went out we could possibly go out laughing and I was cool with that. An opposing circumstance was a return trip from NYC with an ex boyfriend who just made fun of my nervousness and called attention to it until people were staring at me either with pity or contempt. I ended up quietly in tears until the nice man in front of us took pity on me and engaged me in conversation to take my mind off the turbulence, both outside the plane and next to me in the form of some stupid and hateful behavior. Why I’ve given these people more than a little bit of my time is the great mystery of my life and I’d like very much to figure it out. Before I die with one of them looking over me with fake concern.
Anyway, Lauren says she’d probably just go to sleep on me, which works because then I wouldn’t have the added guilt of making someone else crazy. And I would like to go back to both of those cities…Let the saving begin…
So, here are a few pictures from the weekend. Nothing fabulous, just moments in time. I also have this post on atheism that made me laugh so hard but I don’t know how much I feel like irritating people today. I’ll save it for when I’m feel particularly Southern and saucy.
Someone was listening to this on Spotify and I got drawn in, which usually happens with Ben Folds…