Today was a hard day. I didn’t like today at all. The details aren’t really important — suffice to say that the immediate future is still fairly murky to me at the moment. I know there’s a road there somewhere, I just can’t see it. And, while I wait and work for things to clear, my own self-imposed pathology is a tendency to believe all the negative voices I’ve heard. The “not good enough”s and the “it’ll never happen”s. Forgetting all the time that, when I really take a minute and look back, the owners of those voices over the years have, in the end, been people I ended up not having much respect for. Not that they haven’t been successful by their own definition of the word — more that their version of success, to me anyway, always seemed to taste very bitter to them. In short, they threw around a lot of negatives, in action and words. I don’t think people at peace feel the need to do that so much. There is also that odd thing that happens when your chips are down and it’s more apparent to me now than it’s ever been — some folks, no matter how you may have helped them in the past, just will not return the support. Maybe they find themselves in a good place and don’t want to be reminded of when they needed help or that sometimes things can get tough. Or, maybe they’re just not capable, for whatever reason, of extending themselves to a degree where they might in any way feel inconvenienced. I don’t know. Perhaps that’s a pragmatism that the rest of the world understands. It just makes me feel disappointed.
However, the great good here — you know how I like to try to find that — is that I believe I have finally once and for all had enough of that kind of behavior. It truly is pretty worthless — in the strictest sense of the word. It literally has no value. You can’t make use of it in any way. Perhaps there’s a passive value for those seeking not to be inconvenienced in maintaining the status quo. But passivity really only lays there. Action is what garners a return.
In any event, maybe that lesson is the one that really needed learning and I can get busy going toward things that move in a charged direction. I long for that spark. I’ll find it. In the meantime, here’s a visual approximation of what I’m talking about. A few of the boys — I’m sorry. Men. That’s an important distinction and is becoming clearer to me every day — I know singing karaoke Friday night. And they’re singing BoyzIIMen. Ironic, no? But seriously. Spark.
photo credit: S. Smith