Quickly (and cryptically) because everything – and I do mean everything – in my life has pretty much been turned on it’s ear the past two days and I take some comfort in the consistency of this little outlet because it lets me just vent and I don’t expect it to care so both our needs are met…Sorry for the personal but my head’s exploding…
Focusing on the good:
1. the organization I thought didn’t like my writing turns out to have been on vacation so I’ll be chatting with them later today. If you’re the praying sort — or even if you’re not — put one in for the kid. I need it man.
2. the severity of the flip in my life is really in my hands — I have some choices to make. I can either take more of the same, with a little extra condescension thrown in, the flavor of which I have tasted already and truly believed I wouldn’t have to taste again. You know, like eating a spider on that weird show … what was it? Fear Factor? It was a bet, you did it to prove something about yourself but you wouldn’t do it again. But what they don’t tell you is that people like watching other people willingly/forced to eat spiders. So, you will do it again if you want to be on the show. You do want to be on the show don’t you…?
Or, I can make arrangements and set off into a situation that’s fairly unstable (although seems to be slowly stabilizing and may stabilize further if I can just get to a place of proximity where I can exercise a little more control of the rate of stabilization), not at all predictable, puts pressure on myself and my family (the latter of which tears my heart apart and I can barely stand because of it sometimes…), offers less guarantee of success than spider eating, may cause me to have to give up the cats I’ve grown to love and will put a lot of pressure on the ridiculous 12-year old mutt who’s pretty much my best friend. Oh yeah, and will take me away from the only people in this world who I know love me and won’t try to hurt me. What’s the good you ask?
It’s my choice. I can do either. I have options, and those are good things to have. I’m pretty sure I know which way it’ll go but Good Lord God in Heaven I’m fighting the crippling uncertainty. I’m okay with uncertainty intellectually — love to think about, question, examine, pick apart topics like religion, philosophy, society, culture, etc. — but if I can’t say how I’ll be eating or where I’ll be living or if I’ll be able to feed the mutt or if I’ll meet other people who care, I’m not as good. And normally, I wouldn’t make a move with uncertainty this pervasive.
It’s just the spiders man. I don’t want to eat any more spiders. They bite on the way down and leave scars.
Help me Mother Teresa…
Wise Advice
from Mother Teresa
( because it was never between you and them )
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis
it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.
This poem is engraved on the wall of
Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta.
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