Archive for January, 2006

Welcome to my world

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Idiot filter

You know what’s annoying? People who act like they don’t know what you’re talking about so they can maintain a sense of superiority while they wait for you to butcher the thing they already know (and boy doesn’t it just irritate the hell out of them when they disover that you’re just as informed as they and so the hole in the argument never materilaizes and they’re left looking kind of dumb for acting like they didn’t know what was going on? Unplanned self-sabotage sucks, eh?)? Here’s a hint dude: if you have to act uninformed in order to feel like the smartest one in the room that’s just … man I can’t even finish. It’s obvious why this is a stupid tactic and I won’t waste my finger strength. (To The Man: Sorry for yet another cerebral post. I can’t help it…)

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(Thanks The Man)

One morning, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take out their boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and takes out her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says
the woman.

“But I haven’t touched you, ” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you
could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” he said…and quickly left.


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I love Google. I really do. But they just left the door open to the room with the big red button.

According to this article, they are working with Chinese officials to modify their search engine code so that content the Chinese government deems undesirable (read: threatening to Chinese power structure) will be blocked.

And then, oddly, they are, according to this article, refusing to cooperate with the U.S. government in handing over statistics related to customer habits that will, ostensibly at least, be used initially to track online child pornography (and no, I’m not naive enough to think that our government doesn’t have further interest in this information…).

But here’s the rub: Oh so principled Google, you refuse to let Americans be spyed upon but you’ll help the Chinese government keep their countrymen illiterate and subjugated. A little consistency in your principles would be nice. Or, is just because one involves money coming in and the other (potentially) money going out…? Never mind. You are being consistent.

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“One Beat” is such a cool song. Sleater-Kinney is somewhat an acquired taste but man, I like this song. My friend Ellen says they sound Siouxsie and the Banshees-ish. I like their grown-up punk rock tendency. Here’s a byte:

I’m a bubble in a sound wave/ A sonic push for energy/ Exploding like the sun/ A flash of clean light hope/ All you scientists can hold your breath/ Can I decide to show myself, oh oh/ (Take me to the source of chaos let me be the butterfly/ oh my, imperfect symmetry has underlying poetry in rhyme)

If you think like Thomas Edison/ Could you invent a world for me/ Now all that’s on the surface/ Are bloody arms and oil fields/ Could I turn this place all upside down/ And shake you and your fossils out, oh oh/ (You can’t predict everything with Newton like certainty, why/ Oh my, cause it floats around all we see with oscillating energy on high)

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So, Mexican officials are halting the border map hand out because they’re afraid that the maps will alert border patrol to where illegals may be crossing, and not because people are catching on to the fact that they are providing road maps for illegally entering the United States? Riiiiiiight…

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(Thanks Lord Somber)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Kinky politics

Meet Kinky Friedman. He’s running for Texas Governor. He’s Texan, Jewish and an independant. He’s been invited to both the Clinton and the Bush White Houses — apparently naming his dog pen after First Lady Laura Bush (she’s reportedly a supporter of that move). A quick browse through his website proves a very liberal streak (he’s a huge supporter of the the Utopian Animal Rescue and simply the word “utopian” says something of unrealism. But animal rescue? Who can’t get behind that effort, unrealistic or not?)

The man and I caught a bit of a 60 Minutes interview with him where he was asked about comparing himself to Jesus, something he apparently did that upset some staunch Texas Christians. He responded by saying that both he and Jesus were Jewish, independantly minded and traveled around the country irritating people. Like it or not, it’s a shallow but fair comparison.

And in Texas, even liberals are still basically conservative in comparison to the rest of the country. That’s just how they grow ’em in Texas. I was particularly interested in his support of renewable energy, namely biodiesel, the use of which hurts no one “except OPEC.”

Oh yeah, and he has his own salsa…

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The Best Page in the Universe. Just read it…

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I had a good friend in college named Mary. Mary was a corker of the finest sort. Beautiful woman who had men falling at her feet and exceptionally bright to boot. So bright in fact that she got a six figure job in Seattle right out of college in a field she had no real knowledge of (financial planning. she got a psych degree) and earned really good cash for a year. So smart that, at the end of that year, she called me at 2 a.m. and told me she was selling her soul to drive a nice car and was chucking the whole deal. She moved back to Atlanta, got a job with Coca-Cola (some kind of executive position) and married a nice Southern man.

Mary had a saying: “We girls have to look out for each other because we all know how it feels to be dumped on by a man. We have to watch each others’ backs because men will not do that for us. We need to take care of each other.”

I wish more women thought like that. I miss you Mary.

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